For years I found the most useful way of categorizing people in a way that helped me to better understand them was to make two groups – those who “got” Gary Larson’s Far Side comics and those that didn’t (sub-category: those who pretend to get it but don’t).
Now I have arrived at a new level of judgementalism, one with such far-reaching connotations that it’s hard to believe the accuracy with which I can assess any individual and their inner-most feelings after but witnessing one solitary act:
Clapping along to a song.
There are two types of people in the world: One-And-Three-ers and Two-And-Four-ers. The names, for the less musically inclined, are derived from a typical song which is counted in 4/4, which means the musicians keep time by counting to four over and over again. Typically, emphasis is given to certain of these four beats, which provides feel, groove, rhythm, and awesomeness. Nothing detracts from said awesomeness, however, like an audience member who misinterprets the emphasis and begins to clap along to their own alternate-reality-version of the song.
One-And-Three-ers clap on beats one and three, using two and four to prepare for the next clap. Two-And-Four-ers, in a similar fashion. They each have their place. But if you want to see the true nature of a person, a veritable window to their soul, a litmus test of hipness test, play a song, and have them clap.
Example:
Bingo:
There (1)WAS a (2)FARMer (3)HAD a (4)DOG and (1)BINgo (2)WAS his (3)NAME-(4)OH
Practice singing this while clapping only on beats 1 and 3. If this feels natural to you, you are a One-And-Three-er. Perfectly acceptable.
Now sing it again while clapping only on beats 2 and 4. Does this just make you feel awesome inside? Do you feel like you are in harmony with nature and the cosmos, and everything is going to go your way? Congratulations, you are a Two-And-Four-er.
Both types of people are welcome at a concert of mine. But to those who are born with 1&3 tendencies, here are some pointers to help you fit in at concerts that involve groove:
1. Watch the drummer. When he hits his snare (the loud one right on front of him), clap. Incidentally, I don’t know any drummers who are One-And-Three-ers.
2. If you’re aware of a 1&3 pre-disposition, watch for hip-looking people in the crowd, and wait to clap until you’ve ascertained that you are in sync with them.
3. If you’ve been diagnosed with a pre-existing 1&3 condition and have been unable to obtain treatment, you can always just sit in the back.
4. Limit your concert attending to musicals, children’s plays, cowboy poetry, traditional bluegrass, and polka-thons.
5. Before attending your next concert, buy yourself a Stevie Wonder CD and practice in the comfort and privacy of your own condo, or while driving your Corolla.
